The issue that most couples run into when giving feedback, is they end up criticizing and judging the other person instead of giving specific, direct, observational details about what they've noticed.
The main objective in giving constructive feedback is to provide guidance by supplying information that either supports effective behavior or guides someone back on track toward successful performance. In doing this, it is absolutely crucial to know when and how to give the most effective feedback you can.
When giving feedback, it's important to make it as helpful as possible. The trick is learning how to give it constructively so that it can be easily understood, respected and used. Remember, constructive feedback is used to build things up, not break things down!
Here are a few tips that may help when giving feedback to a dom or sub:
1. briefly state your purpose by indicating what you'd like to cover and why it's important.
If you are initiating feedback, this focus gives the other person a heads up about how the conversation will go. If the other person has requested feedback, a focusing statement will make sure that you direct your feedback toward what the person needs. Remember to be clear and straight-to-the-point.
For example: "I have a concern about." "I feel I need to let you know." "I want to discuss." "I have some thoughts about."
2. Have a certain event or action in mind and be able to say when and where it happened, who was involved, and what the results were.
Stick to what you personally observed and don't try to speak for others. Avoid talking vaguely about what the person "always" or "usually" does.
For example: "Yesterday afternoon, when you were speaking with me, I noticed that you kept raising your voice."
3. Explain the consequences of the other person's behavior and how you feel about it. Then give examples of how you and others are affected.
Describing reactions or consequences allows the other person to see and understand the impact their actions are having on others.
Example: "When you raised your voice at me, this made me very upset. Raising your voice to dominants or other submissives will not be tolerated while in my care."
4. Feedback is a two-way street, don’t forget to listen to what the other person has to say.
Remain silent and meet the other person’s eye, indicating that you are waiting for answer. If the person hesitates to respond, ask an open ended question.
For example: "What do you think?" "What is your view of this situation?" "What is your reaction to this?" "Tell me, what are your thoughts?"
5. Whenever possible make your suggestions helpful by including practical, feasible examples.
Offering suggestions shows that you have thought past your evaluations and moved to how to improve the situation. Constructive feedback is centered around development and coaching.
Example: "I sometimes will take a few deep breaths if I notice that I am starting to raise my voice when I am in someone else's presence".
6. At the end of the conversation, it’s always important to review the major points you discussed.
Summarize the action items, not the negative points of the other person's behavior. For corrective feedback, stress the main things you've discussed that the person could do differently and develop their skills. It’s important to always end on a positive note by expressing confidence in the person's ability to improve the situation.
By summarizing, you can avoid misunderstandings and check to make sure that your communication is clear. The summary is also an opportunity to show your support for the other person and an effective way to conclude even a negative feedback situation on a positive note.